I'm a Smart Girl, Really I Am!

So, I’m a college-educated girl (UCLA, thank you!) but sometimes I feel like I come across as a total airhead when I’m around certain people. It’s like I get so intimidated by them that my mind turns to goo and I ask stupid questions and just come across as a total ditz. I feel like I want to scream, “I’m a smart girl, really I am, but you make me seem to not be.” That’s it, place the blame on someone else.

I think this really came to my attention way back when I was interviewing for a new job. I’d leave the interviews completely confused about what just happened. I don’t know if I get nervous and react to it by having diarrhea of the mouth and going off on random tangents and then trying desperately to find my way back to the answer to the seemingly easy question that was asked. There was one job in particular that I’m sure I didn’t really want, but it was better than the job I had (anything at that time was better, trust me!), plus it was located in the same city I lived in so the commute would be laughable compared to the nightmare I faced each day spending at least 45 minutes driving 8 miles. Anyway, I’m not even sure how it came up, but the potential future employer asked me why I was looking for a new job. I really didn’t know how to answer that question and of course didn’t have the proper time to mull it over and write an outline and then a few drafts before turning in the final paper. So, I was honest…probably too honest. I told her I ended up in that current position by way of another girl being promoted and instead of the company hiring a new replacement, they just plopped me over to that area and assigned me as the new assistant to one of the VP’s of the company. In short, I was stuck with a job I never interviewed for, working for a woman I just couldn’t stomach. I then started rambling on and on about my former boss and how she had these adorable little boys but instead of being their mommy, she passed that off to her full time nanny and how I had to step in at times and order their birthday party invitations, etc etc and how I had basically become this woman’s personal assistant. And then, I’m pretty sure I went on a tangent about the struggle of working mom vs. stay-at-home mom and how I was hoping to be the latter while my former boss was the former. The icing on the cake was after I stepped down from my soap box, it was somehow revealed that potential new employer was indeed a mother…a working mother that I basically defamed during my rant. Is it any wonder I never got called back? I’m a smart girl, really I am.

Fast forward years later and I feel that way with my daughter’s preschool teacher. She is great, she really is, but I feel like a total moron anytime I ask her a question. I don’t know what the protocol is when it comes to “checking in” – I don’t want to be the paranoid mom who has to have a conference every day, but I also don’t want to be the super laid back mom who never seems interested in her child’s welfare. So, when I do check in a couple times a month I basically just quickly ask how things are going and the teacher always tells me my daughter is doing really well and then I feel silly for even asking and of course then feel like the teacher must be thinking I’m a crazy nut job who is barely qualified to be my child’s nanny, let alone mother. Of course, this is very likely all in my head and comes from some issues I have with people never taking me seriously (I must write about that sometime). My daughter’s teacher is great at what she does and would let me know if there were a problem. I know this. Yet still I feel the need to ask…like it’s my way of validating my worth as a mother.

I’m a smart girl, really I am. There, I said it.