I am a very emotional person. I cry at the silliest things, like when the children’s choir sings at mass, or when I write heartfelt cards to my family members, or when I’m over tired and stressed out and my kids just won’t stop being annoying or like many people, during a poignant moment in a tv show or film. Most people know this about me. So why do I feel like I can’t let anyone see me cry when it really matters?
I remember when my Dad called to tell me that my Grandpa’s cancer had returned after years of being in remission. My daughter was probably a little over a year old at the time and she and I were alone when I received the call, and I still felt silly crying in her presence. Was she going to judge me for having a heart and showing a human, vulnerable side of me? Of course not. Once I realized how crazy I was acting and decided to let the tears flow without reservation, she toddled over to me and sat in my lap, like she could sense that something was wrong and I needed her support. Of course, I cried even more at that moment.
When I was 19, and my first boyfriend told me he had cheated on me, instead of giving him a piece of my mind and letting him see just how much he hurt me, I instead walked home (he lived two houses away) and cried my eyes out and spent countless days and nights crying when no one was home to see me crumble.
Why do I put up the tough front? Why can I let people see me cry when it doesn’t really matter, but once crying is called for, I wait until I have a private moment to do so? I think women, especially mothers, are expected to be sappy but it’s way cooler to come off as emotionally unavailable. Could this have anything to do with trying to maintain a “put together, strong woman” persona on the outside without letting anyone see the emotional train wreck that really exists? I really don’t know but I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. Thank God no one is around to see that. There, I said it.
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